if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
