I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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