All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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