I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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