The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
