i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
