whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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