you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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