alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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