when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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