So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
