I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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