I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
