I think I died a long time ago.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
