I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
