We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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