fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
