Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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