I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
