Barsexuality is the new black.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
