All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you win again, gameday.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
