so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
