i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
