I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
