alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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