I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
