Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
