Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
