I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
