I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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