Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
