At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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