So many bounce houses so little time
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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