Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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