the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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