Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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