What tipped you off? The sombrero?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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