I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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