I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
