i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
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Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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