there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
they need to just BURY HIM!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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