I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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