i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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