JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
