On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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