trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
