in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I love you. Go after that dick
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
