i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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