his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
