You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
