take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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