His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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