I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
