The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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