Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
