you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
